Sunday, November 27, 2011


[I wrote this post over a month ago when I went home for Thanksgiving break. I didn't post it because I thought it was kind of dumb. It's ironic how the post starts off.]

I’ve mentioned before how I sometimes start posts but don’t finish them. I was looking at some of the file names of these unfinished posts and I noticed how one of them was about my bedroom. I had started that post when I was supposed to be studying for an exam. Sick and tired of being cooped up in my apartment and staring at medical texts, all I could think about at the time was being at home in my old bedroom.

I received a text message from my mom a few weeks ago asking me if she could throw away some of the CDs and DVDs that were in my room. I hated when my parents or sisters take something or throw away things from my room.

When I refer to “my room” I mean my room. Not the room I sleep in now on the main floor whenever I go home. That used to be the guest room and the only new things added in there that I use are a desk and a pull-up bar.

My room is directly above the room that I use now. It used to be my sanctuary. Big stereo, big bed, posters all over the walls, green tie-dye sheets, big desk with a leather executive chair, little trinkets and memorabilia collected over the years scattered on my dresser and all over my room, books, magazines, DVD's, and CD's in a corner—those are the things that made it mine.

I was watching an episode of Dexter the other day and the main character was having trouble coming to terms with the idea that he may have to give up his apartment. His apartment was his private place of bliss where he could keep everyone at a distance and just be alone with his thoughts and secrets. “Everybody needs privacy, some more than others. That's why god created golf,” another character tells him.

That’s how I felt about my room. I loved staying up late after everyone had gone to sleep and watching movies, listening to music, reading, or just lying in bed. That’s how I recharged myself and how I collected myself when I wasn’t busy socializing or doing productive things.

Whenever I used to do “visualization” exercises suggested to me by different people, I always pictured myself walking up the stairs, going into my room, and diving under my covers on my bed. I’ve only been up to my room about three times in the past two and a half years.

When I went home a few weeks ago, I asked my mom why I was having to choose what items to keep from the boxes of CD's, DVD's, electronics, and random stuff that were under my bed.

“Your youngest sister needs a room, too,” she said, “and we already use your brother’s room as a guest room.”

That hit me hard.

I was upset when I asked my parents for my stereo so I could take it to my apartment and I thought they had thrown it away (thankfully they were able to find it a few weeks later in the attic). It’s hard to see things I had in my room being used by others or put into the attic, because of the memories and attachments I associate with things. It sucks that I often dream of going up to my room but cannot do so and that I haven’t even seen it in over a year.

It looks like the goal I’ve had of one day walking up the stairs and going to my room by myself and lying on my bed will really never happen. That’s a tough reality to accept.

I’ll never feel at home in the former guest room that I sleep in on the main floor whenever I go back home; that’s not my room. I don’t really feel at home in my apartment in Athens because most of my time is spent in my study room. I know this sounds dumb to a lot of people, but this is important to me.


  1. My awesome mother saw that I wasn’t happy when she told me that my sister would be using my room, so she later let me know that the room is still mine. Nothing is going to be taken down and my sister is just going to just use it temporarily. She said that one day, إن شاء الله, I will go up to my own room.

  2. Aw..well even if yo could easily access the room, it would not be practical to keep all your possessions in it forever. So you can just keep it as a pleasant memory, and perhaps after a while,your current room will evoke similar positive feelings.

  3. I know it's hard not being able to have access to your own room. Changes are never easy for anyone, especially when you have a lot of memories and sentiment attached to whatever it is that you are holding on to. But even without the accident happening, you would have had to let go of this room at some point. Your parents could have quite possibly moved into a different house, you could find residency somewhere else, and then a job, etc. So the best thing you could do at this point is to make the previous guest room your room. I know it's your room already, as in that you use it, but ACTUALLY make it yours. There's no good reason for you not to have all of the things you had in your room in this one. Pick out your own sheets, put up posters, put in it whatever else you want. You have about 18-20 years of memories attached to your previous have the rest of your life to make new memories attached to new things, whether it's your new room, your apartment in Athens, wherever you end up moving to, new people in your life, etc. We all have to do this at some point though we might have different reasons for doing it. And remember what your mom said? About not holding onto things and possessions in this world? Now YOU should be an awesome brother...and tell your mom Amber can have your previous room :P.

  4. For someone who's done exceptionally well in adapting to change, this definitely surprised me. I understand that you've undergone changes where you obviously had no choice but to adapt to them. I think I read somewhere that those who adapt to changes who can't control the change tend to be more successful personal and professional undertakings, which sounds like you! In this case, it seems that you're a person of habit. Although I can't completely relate, I feel the same in the sense where it's difficult to let go of something/place you've known for an eternity (or so it seems). Being in a place for a long period of time, growing attached to it, creating memories there...there's no doubt that returning to it will develop a great deal of nostalgia. So I can see why being back into that room gives you comfort. But knowing you, you're not one to grow attached to things and are able to progress very well, masha'Allah.

    Change will always be inevitable Hammad. They are tests given to us by Allah and no matter what the change is, we must always (including myself) remember to be grateful no matter what obstacle or blessing we are given. A hadith states, "Live in this world as if you were a stranger or passer-by," which is similar to what you often say. It's all temporary and perhaps your gratefulness will grant you a room like you've never imagined, in Jannah, iA. There are people in the world who simply wish for a roof under their head. Indeed it's hard to let go of things you are already attached to, but I believe you mentioned something your mom told you in a previous blog, "When you look up, look down." So when you're literally looking up to where your room is, try to remember those who have nothing even close to a bedroom. Again, I have not ever been in your shoes so I may not fully understand but I hope this helped.

  5. Thank you for the comments, everyone!

    This post is not just about my superficial attachments to my bedroom, but about what it represents. For me, it represents something that is no longer a part of me. And so my goal of once again reclaiming something I once had has now been dissipated.

  6. Wow. Let me just state first how I landed at your blog. In fear of sounding creepy, but realizing there is no other way to put it than how it really is, 'Facebook stalking' a friend led me here.

    Now, to elaborate on my first comment, the very first word of this post... Wow, wow, wow. Your posts brought me to tears. We take things in life for granted and every time I realize this, I remind myself to become more and more grateful everyday; yet give it a few days and I fall back into the same old habit of not being as grateful as I should, feeling unhappy with things and people around me, and victimizing myself of my situations, which in itself, I find, is a form of dissatisfaction and ungratefulness. So I just want to say a big thank you for your beautifully written posts. They were a much-needed reminder and I look forward to reading more from you! Take care, all the best, and sending dua's your way. May Allah make this journey a fulfilling one for you. You truly are a role model for all.

  7. Thank you very much, Anonymous :) I appreciate that. Alhamdulillah.