Is there any danger?
No, no, not really.
Just lean on me.
Takin' time to treat
Your friendly neighbors honestly.
I've just been fakin' it,
I'm not really makin' it.
This feeling of fakin' it--
I still haven't shaken it.
"Fakin' It" by Simon & Garfunkel
If you're a fan of The Catcher in the Rye, you probably hate those "phonies". And if you're an 18 year old desi girl, you probably "hate fake people". Well, sorry people, BUT I AM ONE OF THEM. I don't deny it. Nor am I ashamed of it. Actually, I'm quite thankful of it. I feel like it's made me a better person. YOU CAN BE FAKE, TOO!
Let me explain. After the accident, I had to become "fake" in certain situations. I have had to smile; I have had to take things in stride; I have had to act like everything was okay.
Why? I think this clip pretty much sums it up very well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j2F4VcBmeo
Certain people can't handle knowing what is really going on. Sometimes, it makes me very angry. I stifled my physical pain and psychological battles (this blog is simply a way to express certain things on my mind now). It makes me very angry because I sometimes couldn't/cannot let out my emotions. If I do, certain people I know become torn up inside and start to feel melancholy. So I don't show them. I act like everything is okay. I went through severe depression for a while but kept it bottled up. When a few people I know asked how I was doing, I always told them that things are going great.
It angers me because it's a burden. Having to always act like everything is okay takes a toll. But when I see the people I know smile, I know it's worth it. My youngest sister is one of the sweetest people I know, and I especially don't want her to know certain things I had to go through. I would never want to ruin her innocence.
I feel like this post already is pretty crappy. It doesn't fully describe my thoughts and feelings at all. I guess it would be better if I named names, but I'm not going to do that. Anyways…
Suppressing my emotions and being fake has made me a better person. By putting on a smile, ignoring my crazy thoughts when I was depressed, and acting like I was just dandy had a profound effect on how I really feel. Doing these things eventually affected my disposition to the point where I am indeed content now. Acting like I am happy when I am feeling quite opposite of that forced me to look at things in my life and be thankful for them.
Life going rough for ya? Put on a smile and see how it affects you. Others won't know that you aren't happy, so why should you?