Article in London Link

I have been meaning to write another post but in the meantime, here is a little reading material! I am featured in the summer 2013 issue of London Link magazine. If it looks familiar, it's because it is the same interview that was on the Muslim Heroes web site.

The article can be read at:  http://issuu.com/londonlink/docs/llinkv3i4_web

My talk at TEDxGeorgiaTech

I know I told you all a long time ago that I would post this video of me speaking TEDxGeorgiaTech this past November.  I just found out a few days ago that it has been edited and published.

I must forewarn you again:  I randomly received a phone call asking if I was interested in talking just a few days before the event.  I was very busy that week in the neonatal ICU and had to come up with and memorize about fifteen minutes worth of material in a very short time.  So please excuse any mistakes!

I must say, though, that because I had only a short amount of time to think of what to say, I spoke from the heart.  The experience was quite cathartic

Thank you for watching.

Four years later

This is the blog post that I wrote after returning to my apartment from a long day in surgery on May 23, 2013.  This post seemed jumbled because I was extremely tired when I wrote it.  I could have written for about ten pages if I had not stopped myself.  That is why I stopped writing this and quickly posted up this Facebook status instead.  I am posting this now because I do not want it to become another piece that I write but never actually post.

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That day has come again.

Before I start, I should let you know that I did not sleep last night.  I say this because I ask for you to please not judge my writing.  I was up studying last night later than I had planned to be and when I went to bed, I could not fall asleep, even though I was extremely fatigued.  I slept less than two hours on Monday night and about four hours on Tuesday night.  I knew the reason why I had not slept much those nights, but what about last night? I gave up on trying to fall asleep and I got out of bed around 3:30 AM this morning and was at the hospital to round on patients before 6 AM. I got back to my apartment around 8 PM.

“Oh, man, look at that date,” I thought to myself last night.  “Tomorrow is going to be just like any other day, just like it always is.  I wonder if anyone will even remember.” I mean, only two or three people even remember my birthday without having to be reminded by Facebook, but that’s understandable.  No one would remember this day.

As my head today was swimming in a sea of surgical procedures, anatomy landmarks and the “heavy head” feeling that often accompanies lack of sleep, it hit me.  It has been four years since I was crushed under the roof my family’s SUV and my life as I knew it changed.  My next thought was, “Why haven’t I written anything lately?”  I used to write relatively frequently, even when I was busy. I reminded myself how I am really mentally fatigued these days whenever I return to my apartment.  I also noted how I have not had really strong opinions, thoughts or emotions on anything in particular so I haven’t really had anything to write about. 

Then I realized something else:  my subconscious mind has prevented me from writing anything new on here.  This blog is read by more people that I ever could have imagined and, though that makes me very humbled and surprised, it also set a mental barrier.  I think maybe when I realized that many people were actually paying attention to the things I wrote, I became self-conscious.  One of the things that I adhere to and that some readers have commented on and admire is that I am honest—sometimes brutally honest.  I share my inner struggles and inner feelings.  I do so for cathartic purposes and because though our situations may be different, many people I already knew and those I have met because of my writings are able to relate to what I say.  I try to be honest and say the things that people do not usually mention for fear of being vulnerable or judged.

I realized today that I have not been writing as frequently because I do not want to seem like a “tortured soul”.  That was foolish of me.  Anyone can see the type of person I am by talking to me and though I sometimes think about things that people do not mention, that does not make me abnormal.

I shall return to being honest.

Four years.  On the surface, noting things on a particular date and observing the length of time that has surpassed seems like a futile practice.  This day isn’t as profound as one would expect it to be.  Thinking back, I can see how different each year has been.  On the one year anniversary of my accident, I was still living at home in Snellville.  I had not moved into my apartment in Athens.  In fact, I was still bargaining with my family to allow me to live by myself there without roommates or assistance.  I remember I had already made plans to do something with friends that day.  I was consciously trying to act completely normal that day, as if it was just like any other day, not for myself but for those close to me.  I did that every day and never allowed myself to be any other way.

I recall when it had been about six months after my accident and I was at the Shepherd Center for outpatient physical therapy.  There was one person there who had been paralyzed for four years and then somehow he was able to move his legs, so he was able to qualify again for physical therapy and was relearning how to walk.  Another girl had been paralyzed for seven years, first from neck down until the ability to move her arms progressively returned to her.  She said a few weeks ago, her mom was helping her shave her legs when she shouted, “Ouch!”  The razor had cut the skin on the girl’s leg and, for the first time in seven years, she had felt it.  I remember telling my family and friends this at the time and we all said or thought, “Wow, four years? Seven years?  That is so long.  They must be extremely patient.  How did they even survive for that long?  What did they do?  How did they cope?”

I didn’t expect to feel anything today.  Instead, although I was busy, I had the opportunity to be with my thoughts and reflect—something I have not done in a while.

I have spent a significant amount of time in this “new” body.  I have relearned how to move around and perform my activities of daily living.  As hard as it was, I also relearned how to learn and organize my thoughts.  That is what the people who do not see me every day or have just read my blog may have noticed.  My classmates and the faculty members at my school have noticed something else I have had to regain:  confidence.

This is my last week on a general surgery rotation.  It has been very tough for me.  I spend my nights trying to memorize anatomy and then I spend the following day in the operating room getting asked increasingly difficult questions by the surgeon and getting embarrassed in front of the surgery team.  I am also consistently reminded of how different I am by the way I have to scrub myself in for surgeries and be positioned with the help of an assistant in front of the patient’s body in order to see and help with the surgeries.  It was not a problem before and I didn’t think it was going to be a problem until I saw the surgeon growing impatient with me.  I almost wanted to apologize for my disabilities.

Sometimes I wonder how people would act and treat me if I was able to always stand and interact with them at eye level instead of having to look up at people.

Four years is a long time.  As I say each year, I did not think I would have made it this far.

My old self and abilities are just vague memories now.

For a long time after my accident in May 2009, whenever I would dream at night, I would be completely able-bodied and walking or running in my dreams.  I remember lying in my apartment in Athens about a year and a half or two years after my accident and having my first dream where I was in a wheelchair.

I woke up really sad.

It’s strange.  Whenever I do dream now, it’s usually about me being a wheelchair, but also being able to walk normally.  I am not sure why I even have a wheelchair in the dream or how I know I have a disability in the dream because I am clearly able to ambulate on my own two feet.  I remember in one dream, I saw one of my hospital mates and told him how I just keep the wheelchair because my legs sometimes get too tired of walking.  In my latest dream a few weeks, another hospital mate, Chase T., and I were walking around and joking about things.

Hopefully one day, that dream will come true.

Still, to this day, people ask me if I’ve noticed any changes.  “Still the same?” they ask.

I smile back.  “Yes, still the same.”

That is usually followed by a brief look of pity on their face.  Then they force a smile and try to say something encouraging like, “It’s okay! We don’t know what the future holds.  Stay strong!”

I smile once again and nod my head in agreement.

I do not pity me.  Yes, it has been a long time and of course I do wish things were different.  There is not much that I wouldn’t give up to be completely healed and “normal” again.

But after a long time of being this way, I have learned to look past it.

As I move forward, I only wish that others learn to look past this, too.

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I ended this blog post quickly. But I ended it with a take-home point.  I knew I had too much to say and too many things I wanted to write about since it has been too long since I have done so.  I will write about all the other things in my head as soon as I can.

And because I've said that I usually have a song that I can associate with each of my blog posts, here is this post's song:

Today.

I didn't sleep last night and after I got back to my apartment a few hours ago, I wrote a blog post because I had much on my mind. It looked too long and I am  not sure if I was making sense since I am so tired. So, I got on Facebook and quickly typed up something and posted the following as my Facebook status. The blog post that I wrote a few hours ago, however, will probably be posted a few days from now when I have slept more than a total of six hours in the past four days and my head can actually think clear. This is the Facebook status I just posted up, since I know many readers of this blog are not my friends on Facebook:

Today, May 23, 2013, I can officially say that it has been four full years since that fateful tree crushed me under the roof of my family's SUV and turned my life, and the lives of those closest to me, upside-down.

The accident caused me to lose a lot of things, some easily visible and some not. But what I have gained since that time cannot be acquired with ease. There have been times when I have been scared. There have been times when I did not think I could be in any worse pain. There have been times when I have felt completely alone. There have been times when I have felt that everything in my life was crashing down on me and that there was nothing left to salvage.

From the severed nerves and killed brain cells--things that are still humanly impossible to regrow--I have grown. I have gained much insight. I have met many people and have had the surprising privilege of both affecting and being affected by others. I have learned more about myself and the human condition in these past four years than what it seems like others ever do in their lifetime. I could never have acquired the perspective I have in any other way. For everything I have lost, I have gained something new.

And now, four years later, I am thankful.

Four years later, I am here. I am now.

For my beloved readers

I haven’t written anything in quite some time, so in usual fashion, I will first provide an update on my life.

My third year of medical school is winding down now. I am currently on my very last clinical rotation of the year—surgery. After this, I will officially be in my last year of medical school. It surprises me how fast time flies. I started this blog just a few short months before I started medical school.  That was over three years ago.

I was speaking to a faculty member the other day and the topic of my blog came up. I also recently saw that this blog has hit over 50,000 views (about 52,000 now to be exact) from people all over the world. So, with that, I’ll answer some questions that people have asked me and that you may also be thinking:

How did you start this blog?

This blog all started about seven months after my accident in May of 2009 and just a few months before I started medical school in August 2010. A friend of mine was going to start a web site and he asked me if I wanted to be a writer for it. “Ugh. I’m a horrible writer. But I’m not doing anything right now at home before I start school. So I might as well do it. It’ll help stimulate my brain and get me to think and write so I can be better ready for med school. I’m not sure what kind of stuff I will write about, though, or if anyone will even read it,” I thought to myself and said to my friend. That’s when I wrote my first blog post, “My 7 month anniversary”. I had a friend from another state review it and help me edit it. I knew my writing was horrible. The web site for which I wrote that post never really took off, so I ended up deciding that I would start my own blog and use it to write about random thoughts that came to me. My first entry was something I quickly typed up late one night, “Jeans…say what?”

Why do you keep writing?

After almost every blog post, I think to myself, “I’m all out of things to write about. That was my last post.” But I somehow find something else about which to write. After I posted that very first post on my blog, I got positive feedback from some friends. They wanted me to keep writing and they wanted me to keep posting the links on Facebook so they could know when I post anything new. I was really flattered. And I kept writing.

I get so surprised when I find out people read my blog. I remember when I got so excited when I found out I could check the viewer statistics on my blog and that over one hundred people from the United States (mostly Georgia) and Canada had read it. I couldn’t believe it. Why would anyone be interested in what I had to say?

The essential question, “Why write?”

Over the years, I have heard from people that my blog has helped me in one way or another. They thank me. But in return, I thank them more. I am unable to express my gratitude to these people.

I write about personal things. I lay my heart out for the world to see. Because this is me. When people first meet me, I am aware that all they see is my wheelchair; all they see are my disabilities. So I write to show that there is more than that to me. I write to show people that we should not judge others by how they look or by their “disabilities”.

I write to show that we are all the same.

Writing has helped me develop as a person. I was talking about this with the faculty member I spoke to last week. One can go through this blog from my earliest posts to my newest ones and see just how much I have changed. Writing has made me evolve. The positive feedback and encouragement I receive from others has really allowed me to grow. I have learned so much about other people and about myself.

I just hope other people have learned as much about themselves, too.

Who reads this besides me?

Over the years, the number of viewers of this blog has grown. I remember when I hit one thousand viewers. I remember when I saw that there seemed to be more people in Canada reading this blog aside from the four people I knew there. I remember when I saw that people in Europe had come across my blog.

Now, I receive about 2,000 to 3,000 views every month. I started posting links to my new posts on Facebook so my friends could read them. It is possible that the number of viewers spread from there. When people who were not my close friends or people I haven’t talked to in many years (eg, friends from high school) tell me they read my blog, I am still surprised, flattered and humbled.

This blog has given me the privilege to from great friendships with people all over the United States and the world. In addition, this has caused me to be interviewed by various publications, including local news sources (like the Gwinnett Daily post and university magazines) and international news sources (like the magazine emel or on other web sites). I have even been asked to speak at multiple events, including TEDxGeorgiaTech. I cannot be more thankful. I hope to one day meet all of these people.

Why don’t you write a book?

This question has been asked to me many times. To be honest, I don’t think I’m that good of a writer. So I am flattered when people suggest that. I’m just a regular guy writing about the things that happen to me and that go through that my head. In addition, time is a very limiting factor.

I often think about things to write as I go about my day but I usually don’t end up writing about them. When I write, I usually just get on my laptop and type up everything at once. Often, I do not look over my posts before posting them. I rarely ever revise or edit them. This keeps everything in the raw. It makes everything come straight from my heart.

Will you keep writing?

As I said earlier in this post, I have thought since I started this blog back in 2010 that every post would be my last post. Somehow, I find more things about which to write. So as long as I have the time and as long as people still enjoy reading about this crazy guy, I will keep writing.

Just please forgive me for writing so seldom this past year or two. Medical school and medical rotations are keeping me busy. But, if everything goes as planned, I should have just a few more months and a few more exams left of the “hard stuff” and then hopefully next year should be more relaxing as I finish off medical school and finally earn my medical degree.  J

If any of you would like to do so, you may ask any more questions you have in the comments and I will do my best to reply as quickly as I can.

Once again, I would like to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for being a part of my journey.

My talk at MIST Atlanta, 4/13/13, "Patience In Practice"

The theme for this year's MIST (Muslim Interscholastic Tournament) was patience. MIST is a regional/national event in which high school students compete in various competitions (eg, oratory, debate, math, basketball, etc) and listen to different talks when they are not competing. University students and people in various occupations are the judges and volunteers. I was asked to speak again at this year's Atlanta event. This time, though, I thought of what to say at the last minute and made the mistake of writing everything down--in the same way I write my blog posts--instead of just speaking spontaneously. So be forewarned and please excuse my mumbling!

I recorded it because a friend asked me to do so and I am posting it here in case anyone else is curious and because I haven't written anything in a while.

Featured in a Muslim Heroes exclusive interview

Before you click this link and read the interview, I just want to say that I typed up these responses late one night and submitted them without looking them over. Therefore, I apologize for any grammatical errors or if it is written poorly. Thank you for reading, dear friends.

MH Exclusive: Hammad Aslam